Get it together, Smalls!

 Uggghh.. I have been neglecting my duties, and it's felt weird not writing my thoughts down. At the same time, it is probably better that I haven't. They are all over the place recently, especially since my last blog. It just seems that since then, no matter what, some kind of rain seems to cloud us, and we can't escape it. I am truly hoping that with the new month and a full schedule, we will be too busy to even be involved in any of it. 

We went to Hilton Head for vacation the week of July 15. The good days were great, we swam a lot, ate great meals, hung out with family and slept in (some). We had a family of deer that would visit our house every day, eat out of the kids' hands and let them pet their heads and back. It was the coolest thing I have seen in a while; never have I witnessed almost domesticated deer. They were from all walks of life: bucks, does and fawns still with their spots. They loved our house... all of the croissants, apples and carrots they could eat. The kids were smitten, so grandma made sure the fridge was stocked, especially for the deer. Lol. We got a bunch of pictures and videos, and they just hung out until they realized they ate all of their goods and moved on. We got family pictures taken on the beach and just enjoyed each other's company. My MIL said multiple times before vacation that this might be the last time we were all together for vacation for a while and I kept fighting her on it. Then it hit me, she was right. We usually go every other year, and 2 years from now, so much will change. Logan will have a job, Dryden will be finishing up his trade school program, Braxton will be 14 and the twins 11. Not to mention our nieces and nephews all getting older. Who knows what they will be involved in or what we will have our hands in by then. Life changes in a blink, let alone in two years. I hope that it doesn't take long to vacation again, but time will tell. 

I have completed week 5 of this Business Law class and it is the worst! I don't think it would be so bad if the professor wasn't so unreliable? I can't think of the right word. For example, he started the course by telling us that his building he lived in had a gas line explosion, so he was just throwing together lessons and slides, even though they were different from what he had previously used. We bought books and he provides lecture videos, but when it's time for the essay questions and exams, it is near impossible to actually find the answers. There are 5 essay questions, and I will feel great once I complete them, until it's graded, and I got 3/5 right. The exams are 50 questions, untimed, and unproctored, which is a great help since I have found that I have to re-word and rephrase the questions to google to try and find the answer. It takes over an hour to complete the test and I will even complete them in shifts. Answer 10, save and close and come back because it is maddening trying to find the answers in our lecture notes, textbook AND internet. He did say that if we attempt to answer "homework" questions each week, regardless of how we do, he will add 10 points to our final percentage to help our grade. Then, Monday, he said that he will be curving the exams. He said he would have that information for us mid-week, but has yet to follow through, which is par for the course for him. Right now, I am sitting at a true C, will be a B with the homework extra credit, but I'm sure will be more when he tells us what the curve is. I imagine that he has to curve it because so many of us are struggling, which won't look great on his resume. We have a classroom chat separate from the course website and so far, it looks as though most of us are struggling. That's a bummer. The professor is an attorney in Youngstown (Smalls), and I am sure he has his own stuff going on, but I also have a hard time sympathizing with people when they say they are busy. I truly just laugh. I know that what I do and what my life is is a direct result of my own actions, but I am doing it, I am balancing it, and I am succeeding. I know everyone isn't the same, but I feel like he should at least take it as serious as we take it, since it is such a big part of OUR lives. Idk.. maybe I need to be nicer about it. I haven't expressed these to him so I guess it's not so bad. Lol.

With the most recent events in life, and the feelings that have come with them, I have been reflecting on myself a lot: who am I, what I believe, how I express my feelings, how I react, etc. It's been rough, I have been mad, upset, hurt, confused. It made me think that I should change, in some way, shape or form. But then I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't stand up for what I believe is right, I wouldn't advocate, I wouldn't protect, I wouldn't problem solve, I wouldn't volunteer or give my time. I am who I am, at 41 years old, and who my past has molded me to be. Not everyone is going to like it, so does that warrant a change? No one is perfect, and I am my own worst critic, going over interactions hours after they happened, face palming at what I said or how I said it. I could start at my head and go down to my toes with imperfections, but really... who is perfect? I am happy, I am in love with my family and all of their sweet faces, and everything I do is for them. In the end, that is who I focus on. That is who I am here for, and my why. My husband and my 5 boys are my reason for everything, and as long as they think that I am half as awesome as I think they are, I'm content with that. And as much as I complain about them, as any overwhelmed mom has, I am so proud of each of them and who they are growing up to be. I am more than happy to sacrifice to give them everything that could want and need, even if in return, they leave me pee on the seat.