I hate myself today....

I hate myself today.... I hate the person I’ve been. I have tried to check myself and make myself get out of this funk, but I just seemed to sink right back in. 

I got to sleep in, so it’s not from being tired. I got to bath. Alone. And wash my hair AND shave my legs. I got to relax while the babies took a nap, and the older kids kept quietly to themselves in the Rec room. I got to fix my hair. I barely had to cook. So why, why, why, was I such a Bitch today? Why was I so mean? So defensive? So short, and nasty? Now that the day is done, I hate myself. I hated myself a few different times today, but right now, I really hate myself. 

I got mad when the twins put cars or little men or crackers  in my drink, like it’s anything new. Over and over. Because they think it’s hilarious. I was SO annoyed when the older 2 kept asking me where stuff was so they could go sled riding for a little while. I was LIVID when Bane ate my boot. I picked a fight with my husband while I folded laundry because he called me out. I had all seven of us here for a good bit of the day, and I blew it. I blew it hard today. I’m watching the twins in the monitor for the first time in a long time. And I feel terrible. I put them to bed early tonight because I just couldn’t talk to them anymore today. And when I was ready to rip my hair out, Logan asks if it’s because I don’t like them. That made me feel like the biggest piece of shit. 

I let myself get wrapped up in making sure the house stayed clean. That the laundry was done. That stupid socks were matched. Really?! Socks?! Effing socks!!!!! Who am I kidding?! It shouldn’t be clean! We have FIVE BOYS!!!!! But that’s what I do. It’s what I did today. Because I’m my own worst enemy and I’m judging myself on how clean the house it and how much laundry is done and whether or not you can see the carpet lines from the vacuum. Bane is shedding like crazy and I act like I need to have a dust buster just to run over him. 

Man. I really blew it. I hate myself today. I really, really hope they don’t remember today. If they do, I hope it’s for something good that they created for themselves, and not for something that I did or said. Because I was an asshole. I cursed and rolled my eyes and sighed and was just an awful person. They deserve better than that. They deserve a better mom and a better wife than what I was today. Ugh..... I hate myself today. 

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